Sunday, April 13, 2014

"If people could see me the way I see myself - if they could live in my memories, would anyone love me?" — John Green

Looking at old posts is a weird experience. It all seems too dull and over dramatic. In most instances it was. I wonder if a person really does fully mature by the age of 20. There has got to be so much more to learn and so many facts to absorb that form a being into a surge of ultra-super knowing, or something along those lines?  Maturity comes with age...or experience? It's based on such a vast amount of things. This makes it hard to really decide or compare what came first what contributes to such a thing? In our society, age's are labeled in such a way that may make a person feel that they automatically need to "grow up".

Ex: Just because you've turned 18 years old and are legally an adult, does not mean that you magically receive all the responsibilities as someone carrying the same title. And THAT is where the experience theory comes into play. Maturity could be based on decision, alone. Then it would all be a facade I suppose. I've met a few people in my life that were trying to mature when it wasn't exactly necessary just to fit in. It's easy to pretend to be something you're not. Then again, it's a horrible thing to do to one's self. You just miss out on a lot. And with this all being said: I now live in my very own condominium,by myself.


I've heard some people said about their first impression towards me. The answers are many but the meaning is just one snobbish. It is so very hard to interact with anyone, some days.

It's that feeling you get when you know that you need to call strangers to set up an appointment with strangers to interact with strangers and although you'll never see them again, you worry about what they'll think of you. There are so many things to get wrong. There are so many words that will come out incorrectly, so many moments in which to appear too ignorant or too vulnerable or too anything. There are so many things that other people can think about you. But a person cannot be completely invincible. A person cannot be completely anything. Gotta remember that. Maybe I need a script in order to talk to most people. Maybe that's why I like books so much. (oh by the way I bought two books from John Green, yep happy girl is me)

I have very few close friends. I think all of my close friends know this, and sometimes I worry they feel some sort of pressure from that knowledge. I hope they don't, but either way, I am so glad for them, so thankful for them, so amazed that I have found people to really, truly care about when I am so often afraid to even look at anything. Amazingly, these friends are complete strangers, someone I used to fight with and just a classmate-relationship, but they are someone I cannot live with now. It's beautiful that they exist and that we found each other. It is also wonderful to feel understood, that only comes along every once in a while. I sometimes worry about coming on too strong. It's just that I want these people to know that I really appreciate their existence. Mostly, it's that a phone call or a long walk can make life considerably more bearable in a way I couldn't have fathomed. 

To live a life until 20, it is hard. When you are good with family and friends, life treats you bad with love. I close this book, the book which we created for about more than two years. I choose to walk away, and I do not plan to turn back. If you asked me "do you hate him?" of course I won't answer "yes" but if you asked me "do you still love him?" I am afraid the answer won't be the answer as the first day I knew him. I am about to tell the world that I am actually giving up on love. I'm getting used being heartbroken girl and I'm tired of being one. Is it too early to say I am 20, and all I want now is to just wait for a really true man walks into my house, asks my father to let go of his daughter. I don't want to try "being in love" anymore. Tired, is just a word but the feeling of being someone tired in love, only a few understands how it feels. I can't make a promise I won't fall in love but for a time being, I am not planning to. Afraid of  getting hurt and make others hurt. But, it was a very wonderful journey to be with him, thank you, my almost "forever".

I have so many things to tell, to share, to write. But I can't put these stories into word. I miss being free, I miss freedom, I miss not doing anything, I miss to not think of anything, so basically I miss being a little girl. Too sad we grow old and we can't turn back time. I don't hate being an adult, in fact I love who I am now but those little terrible things that makes my life miserable, is something I hate so much.