Saturday, March 26, 2011

Lack of love from the Father.

I just came back from Addmath tuition, it was fun (as usual)

Tonight going to be the most unforgettable night because I feel loveless. I was waiting someone to pick me up around twenty minutes, in the dark and alone. I didn't mind at first because they might be 'forget' about me. Yes, word that, 'forget'.

Tuition was finished at 10.30 PM and abanglong came to pick me at 10.50 PM. Thought it was abah. The problem now, when I stepped into the car, abanglong said,

"Dah lama tunggu?"
"Lama dah. Tak ada orang dah ni."
"Abanglong mana tahu. Abah tiba-tiba tak nak ambil."

And I was like, what? So he did it purposely? He wanted me to stay until midnight (almost actually) alone, in the dark, and that was purposely? My tears didn't fell. I know, it is a new conjecture for me.

And my mind still was thinking "He didn't do it on purpose. I believe he got something to do. Hey, he is my father. He will never treat me like that."

As I arrived at home, I saw his car. My father's car. Once again I was like "Did he really didn't want to pick me?" I went to positive. He might be sick all of sudden and must sleep early. Yes, it must be.

And when I walked into my house, I saw him. My father was using a laptop, online-ing. At that moment, my tears were falling but you know, I'm good at pretending. I sit in my room, cried. No, I am crying. He is my father. And I'm wondering what's wrong with him tonight? Because of he loves online, his own daughter have to wait for him at night?

This moment, I really like want to step away from here. I was born in this world because of him, yes I know. Yet sometimes I feel like he does not need me in his life. I don't mind at all if he's refusing to buy a thing for me, but if only I can buy his love, I will abah, Anis will.

But I want him to catch me when I run away. I want to know how worry is him when I'm not by his side. A quote said "We will know how we love someone when that someone leave us."

I want to be that someone. And abah will be that we. Abah, thank you for everything. Whatever it is, I still love you. But you are not in the top of my heart anymore. It will always be mom, mom and mom. I'm sorry, your daughter is bad person.
Forgive me, abah. Forgive me.