Sunday, September 4, 2011

After a year, I'm in love.

 The first night we met, I was automatically comfortable around you. It was like I had known you for a long time. It wasn’t awkward, and whenever we had both stopped talking, we didn’t feel the need to fill the silences with stupid small talk. I am starting to fall..

"Deny, deny, deny" thought it was working, but no. I am truly fall in love, and I'm trying to stop this but I just can't. I was trying to move but there is little something in my heart saying "You can't, you love him. You stupid, you can't move on. He got no girlfriend, you got a chance." It's like, this is not me. I've never been like this before. Fall in love with someone who doesn't wants me. Talking about my past, I forced myself to fall with my exs and made it. But now, I am the one fall, while he is not. This is broken-hearted isn't? But why I feel like the whole body break?

Yes, I can finally feel how hard to move on. How fcking hard to believe on something you know never be happen. How easy to fall and that person doesn't care and didn't catch you back. How deep this love can be. How hurt to fall in love without he knows. It's hurt, damn hurt. I wish he knows, I want him and swear I will do my best to be the right one if he wants me too. But no, he doesn't wants me, he knows I am exist but to him I am just a friend. Friend..

Sometimes, I was thinking, what if he loves me but he keep being silent? What if he felt just like I am now but he doesn't know what to do and move on? What if he wants me but the way I treat him just like a friend? What if he loves me but he thought I don't love him so he walks away? In my dream.

This is bullshit. This is not right time to fall in love but blame my heart. That guy is making me crazy, I do love him. I'm trying to move on, anyways. I'm following him on Twitter, we're friends on Facebook, he is in my contact lists on BBM. Paint a smile while reading our chats is my passion now. I told my mom about this feeling, she saw his pictures and she's okay if I like this boy. I can't control myself. I am jealous when he talks with girls, I am afraid to lose him but he is not even mine. Why I should feel like this? This is nuts.

Dear only-me-know-who-you-are, if let say you read this, (but if only he is reading this, he doesn't knows this is him). Okay, let's straight to the point. I do, fall hard for you. You are such a beautiful guy in my life right now, and it's been a year since last time I felt like this. You opened my heart after a year and now I lock you in my heart. I hate the fact that you don't know I'm talking about you, I hate it. I want to tell you about this but I don't want to ruin our friendship. I'm scared to not getting "I love you too". I'm scared if you use me for fun because you surrounded by pretty girls. It's hurt and I'm sick with this kind of hurt. I want you badly but you will never know this. So, I choose to keep this feeling until one day you realise there is a girl behind you, sadly waiting for you and always be with you. I don't want to let you know about this, and I think to be friend with you is more than enough. It's hurt my boy, it's hurt :')