Friday, October 21, 2011

Yet, the beat goes on.

Who knows. I'm happy, I'm sad. I honestly can't make up my mind whether or not if I'm content with life, or if i feel all bitter about it. So what did I say? I said I was pretty "Mutual" about it. Why am I mutual? Because yea, I do have good things in life, I’m not going to complain and deny that, but just like any other person, I also have problems, or things that bother me. For instance, how things are at home most of the time; it's barely peaceful, everyone is stressed about something, somehow I'm always making a mistake without knowing it. Smiling doesn't feel the same sometimes anymore, but I take that as a challenge.

God? He's there. He's definitely there. But am I there? Yes, I still have hope. In fact, you know I have pretty strong hope for. Except once in a while, but my relationship with God isn't strong. I lack in committing time to Him, and building intimacy with Him. It's even harder that I'm limited with how I can be with God, and where. School's stressful as well. Trying to figure out what I'm gonna do after I'm done with SPM, pushing my self to do my work, pushing myself to put effort in all my work, pushing myself to wake up early. Yes, people believe that I can do it. Yeaa I believe in myself too, but I’m so hard headed, and a huge procrastinator that I let those stupid traits take over me. But no worries, I'll budge through.

Friends. I hate how friends come and go. Especially the really good ones. I hate how I've been neglected, how people flake out, how I find such great people; and bam you're not even close anymore. And oh my gosh when I am spending time with them once again. I have this awesome feeling inside, that I just want to act like old times and yell out "Bestfriennd", and stuff what not. Sure I have other people to run to, but I don't call certain people a "Bestfriend" for no reason. I mean they were people that I needed to run to also. Yes I have people in my life, but sometimes they don't yank things out of me when I need to. They aren't really there when I need them. They may be there, but they don't much. They don't say a lot. They change the subject and turn it on themselves, they're in distress and can care less to think about your problems, they only say "I'm sorry" when I don't care if they're sorry about what I'm going through, I need more. They assume that my life is all happy happy joy joy and I'm nothing but smiles. Wrong.

Yes, I have cool parents, definitely yes I have an amazing crush, sure I have good friends, of course I have the God. But there's just more to it that you don't see. People who ask me what's wrong, I can't give them a full response probably because they're part of it. There you have it. I have mutual feelings towards how's life. I love it, yet i hate it.