Monday, December 12, 2011

Found another disappointment in myself.

So pretty recently I've been getting this same old feeling again. It's not a great feeling, or a position that I want to be stuck at again. I honestly thought that I could keep living my life in the light. Well I still do, still am. But I feel like I'm slowly coming back to the old me. The one who likes to isolate herself from others, and always feel neglected and what not. The old Anis who thinks nothing will change, and every day will be SSDD for me. Same shit, different day. I don't want to be here again. It was hard enough always lying to people saying "I'm doing good :D" or, "I'm doing great :)", I don't want to go through it again, and I don't want another wall builiding up again.

I honestly don't understand why, but just is. Maybe it's because everything I've been facing for a longgg time, I'm still facing today. And yea I'm used to it, but pheww definitely sick of it. Better yet, why can't things just be in peace for once. Like before, when i was 6. Or maybe even before I got to primary school. I just need a break, thats all. If I were to get away right now, or to be out of town, that would help me. But the worst thing is coming back to reality. I don't know anymore, I have a lot in my head I guess, but eh not really in the mood to extend this and keep going on with my thoughts. What's the point? It's all the same, always will be .

Oh and, I'm frickin done. I give up on the thing that has meant so much to me, and now its gone. I've tried, and still, it's not getting anywhere. Instead it's just been getting more distance. Not even Hi's or small conversations. And even if it came to the point when we'd try to fix things up, I doubt it'd ever be the same. We're both different today, and we've found different things that occupy our mind. We don't really have common ground, or maybe we do, but whose to know? Since there's no time or interest on catching up, or checking up on how each other is doing. A question here and there, but thats all. We don't know each other anymore, well in my opinion I honestly don't think you don't even know me at all anymore. It hurts you know? It hurts so much that everytime I bring it up, I can just cry or tear up. Ha just like now. So I'm gonna stop.