Thursday, December 8, 2011

Top of this, anger actually brings tears.

I lay in my bed, frustrated. An emotion that is constantly and consistently taking me over. Frustration leads to anger, and anger leads to foolish actions. I may have just made one of those foolish mistakes, but I hope to not think much of it. What makes me the most frustrated? What brings the stinging tears to my eyes? When the hope, the future happiness that I will soon acquire, is taken away. It is stolen, it is unfair and unjust.

Why? Why give me the false hope, the false excitement? What brings the most pain and suffering to me is this: failing to meet expectations; expectations that are very much expected. What am I doing with my life right now? I feel as though I've been going with the flow to a point where even the flow is ambiguous. Going with the flow is no longer fun; it is just a waste of time. Time is the most important treasure that we often take for granted. I'd rather have a sense of direction in my life. I want to set my goals and dreams, but how can I do that when I have yet to discover myself? My talents, my strengths, my hopes? I have assumptions, assumptions based upon my prior experiences or talent. I don't expect the reader of this blog to fully understand what I'm writing about. This is for myself. For myself to understand my faults, and what breaks me.

I am confused. Dear God, please guide me.